I know Dario is cursed! Part II

Last weekend my sister and her husband drove his dad, stepmom and stepsister back to Atlanta, GA. I think that my sister and husband are good people because if that was my family I would have dropped them off at the bus station with 20 bucks for munchies. Hey, we all can't be good children. Anyways, after a 10 hour drive from Miami to Atlanta, they collapsed into an exhausted heap on his dad and stepmom's bed. After a couple of blissful hours of sleep, Dario placed his hand on a hard cylindrical object that was under the comforter . He sleepy inquired what the hell it was and my sister being a woman, knew exactly what it was. Yes, a dildo! She told him to freeze, curl up in a ball and think of a happy place. The drill that every person goes through when faced with the reality that their parents have sex. Dario fought through his panic and pushed the dildo off the bed, wrapped it up and placed it away to never be seen again. Unfortunately, he discovered another sex toy under the pillow. According to my sister it was more of the backdoor variety type toy. I am guessing a butt plug or anal beads. Ah, my poor brother-in-law, he is a strong man. I would still be screaming from those horrors. Hell, I am still recovering from the fact that my parents used love oils. Don't ask, I don't want to talk about it, happy place...happy place...

I think Dario is cursed! Part I

I love my brother in-law, Dario, but he is cursed. I don't understand how in the hell he can sleep at night because that's when the evil happens. I recently went on a trip to Miami and stayed over at my sister and her husband's house. It's very nice, by the way. They were remodeling the guest bedroom so I slept with my sister in their bed while Dario slept on an inflatable mattress on the floor. They have one dog, Beowoof, and a cat, Don Gato. That weekend they were also dog sitting a friend's dog. Okay here comes the good part, while everyone was asleep Beo started nudging my leg. I was dead tired so he was poking me for a bit before I woke up. I rolled over and poked Amy and told her that her dog needed to go potty. She rolls out of bed and immediately smells something in the house that indicated that maybe it was a little too late to walk the dog. She leaves the bedroom and walks around the house trying to find the pile of dog poo she smells. She returns to the bedroom after being unable to discover where the odor was coming from. She walks into the room, turns on the light and gasps in horror! Dario was dead asleep on the air mattress with biggest, juiciest pile of dog shit I have ever seen. It was such a large amount that I was amazed it came from a dog, it looked like it came from an elephant. The culprit was the dog they were pet sitting for their friend and Beo woke us up and tattled on him. Beo had this look of "it wasn't me" on his face. The best part was that Dario was dead asleep, he didn't even realize that there was a big pile of stinky not 6 inches away from his head. Amy urgently called Dario by his name and he started to roll towards her voice which was also towards the poo. She runs over to keep him from rolling in it. Needless, to say when he cleared the sleep from his eyes and realized what he almost rolled into, he was not happy. I just keep kicking myself in the butt for not getting it on a video camera because that shit could have won them some money on America's Funniest Home Videos.

I Think I've Got Some Pimp Juice!

I don't know what the hell is going on lately but I've had men throwing themselves at me all week. It's like I've got some pimp juice or something. Most of it's coming from my salsa dance class. My advice to anyone trying to meet other people is to join a dance class because I have been hit on in every class. I am attracting guys who have no sense of rhythm but I applaud them for trying something new. I understand it's scary for a guy to learn dancing even my own husband refuses to go. It just sucks for me since they couldn't lead me out of a wet paper bag. But that's the fun of practicing someday, hopefully, it will all be better soon. I am telling all my girlfriends to go to dance class because there was something in the water this past week and they have all been having man troubles. So, ladies, take some dance classes for a quick ego boost besides it's fun.

Hi, I am a little shy boy!

It just started to rain here in Austin and it's beautiful and cloudy. Here is a picture of one of my feral cats that I took today in the rain. I manage a very small colony of 3 cats in my apartment complex. His name is Babooner and I started to feed him about 3-4 years ago. He is pretty wild and won't let me very close to him so pardon the really grainy quality of the photo. I think he is really cute and maybe you can see in this photo but he is paralyzed on the left side of his face and his ear droops a bit. I don't know if he got caught in a car engine or attacked. He came to me that way. When I first saw him half of his tail was hanging limply. When I caught him to get neutered, I wondered about his tail but the vet said that it was dead and that it would fall off when it was ready. A week later, it happened. His tail is only half as long as a normal cat's and he can't raise up in the air like my other kitties. I always wondered about his background. I believe that his mother was probably abandoned here in the apartment complex and she bred and her kittens grew up with no kind of human contact, so they were pretty wild. He is just so sad looking but he is a testament that a managed feral cat community can be successful in keeping down the wild cat population in the neighborhood by humanely trapping, neutering and vaccinating them. I believe him to be around 6 or 7 years old and hopefully I will see him to be a very old cat.  

The Worst Pick Up Line Ever!

I heard this horrible pick up line a year ago while stuck in traffic. It was the topic of our local radio station's morning show. Okay here it is but I warn you it's BAD.

Girl, you must work at Subway 'cause you just gave me a foot long.

Hey, I warned you, don't blame me for that little bit of vomit you just threw up in your mouth. Also, I have to put a disclaimer on it because I am notorious for fucking up jokes. It's my superhero power...that and walking into walls.

Hey, buddy, can you help a stormtrooper out?

I understand that everyone is hurting for money these last couple of years. I see people everyday who are struggling to support themselves and their families. Here in Austin, there seems to be different types of people who beg for money. Near the University down off the drag there are a lot young kids who beg for change, where I use to work we had a homeless campsite of older people. They were pretty nice and pretty much kept to themselves. Though one day one of their camp buddies got stinking drunk and was sleeping in our parking lot and then he peed on our sign in full view of rush hour traffic. That was hilarious! Unfortunately, I have seen panhandling reach a new low when they hit you up for change in the grocery store or right outside it. I do all my grocery shopping at midnight, when the store is quite. Once while leaving the store a woman approaches us asking if we could give her some milk for her mac and cheese. I was with my husband, who has this gift of pissing off beggars by ignoring them and it didn't take long before she was cussing at us for not giving money for her mac and cheese. The other day I saw a young woman, her boyfriend and their young children asking for money right inside the store. She asked me for money but since I am 30,000 dollars in the hole thanks to my college loans, I asked her to give me some money, I need her to help me so I can help her. She gave me a weak smile and quickly wandered off. She finally suckered some one and bought whatever she needed. Even though panhandlers seem to be getting more aggressive I had a good experience once. One day while walking to class a young drag rat (what we call the homeless kids on the drag) girl asked me for a dollar and I gave it to her with the understanding I would probably never see it again but she was adamant that she would pay me back. Weeks later, after I had totally forgotten, she comes running up to me and hands me a dollar and says "thanks!" I was really surprised and it rejuvenated my belief in humankind. Every time I start developing a depressing view of the world and its people, thankfully, someone always changes my mind and gives me hope 

How do you make a woman fall in love with you? Ask her out first.

Today while reading a fellow blogger's post I remembered this guy who I wanted to date so badly when I was younger. Okay, let me set the stage. I am eighteen years old going through the "what the hell am I going to do with my life" stage. I remember meeting this guy that was in one of my sister's classes at ACC (Austin Community College.) My sister was always trying to help me get laid, God bless her. So she introduces us and we start talking immediately. We talked and talked and talked then we talked some more. In fact, I was getting really tired of the talking and I wanted some action. Come one I am eighteen and if he had shown so initiative I would have made him a very happy man but he just wouldn't ask me out. Around this time I met another guy in one of my classes. He was sweet, funny and very in to me. He would go out of his way to say hi and ask me how I was doing, plus he was very easy on the eyes but I still was into my sister's friend who was a musician and I am enamored by a man who plays guitar. One day while talking to musician dude my classmate shows up. I will assign them names so I won't confuse them, musician dude is K and classmate dude is G. Anyways, I am talking to K and G shows up. G talks to me for a bit and then he sits down. So I am sitting there with my sister, Amy, who by the way is laughing her ass off, I don't think she ever saw two guys compete for me ever. So G is chatting me up and has no idea that I am supposedly "talking" to K. G eventually has to leave and invites me to go have lunch with him. I look at K and I said yes to G. I had been speaking to K for 4 weeks while I have known G for four days and G asked me out. Many years later after I married my "G", I asked if he remembered K at all and did he know that he was kind of trying to hook up with me. G snorted and said, "That dweeb, I had no idea that he was even into you! He just sat there doing nothing!" So this is a PSA for anyone who is trying to go out with another person, let them know that your interested by asking them out, if you like them think of any reason to be with them.

When did Maury Povich turn into Jerry Springer?

I came back home from school today and turned on the TV so I can have something to listen to while doing my household chores. I can always tell when the Jerry Springer show is on because of the hooting and hollering and all of the bleeped out words. Finally, the show ended and the Maury Povich Show came on. I tell you honestly, it sounded so much like Jerry Springer that I had to stop doing the dishes and go change the channel, one Jerry Spring like show is about all I can handle but my hand froze and I was suddenly enthralled by the show. The Maury Povich show was doing "suprising" updates on past guests. My knowledge of Maury is that he used to host Current Affair back in the day, he is Mr. Connie Chung and that he used to be a serious talk show host. Now, his show seems to be full of women who bring 10 guys to do DNA tests to figure out who is their baby's daddy, transvestite beauty shows and revenge shows (where the handsome bully is confronted by the ugly nerdy girl who believes she's beautiful because she got some fake tits and an eating disorder.) I just feel bad for him because he was what I considered a more serious journalist but now he has wandered down the path of Geraldo Rivera. I know that Geraldo is doing more serious journalism but everytime I look at him I can still see that chair being thrown by that KKK member hitting him in his nose. I always bust out laughing when I remember that moment probably because it was so funny and I take a little sadistic pleasure out of it. Hey I am human, give me a break. It's hard to live down your past, like how in the hell was Jerry Springer mayor of Cinncinnati? I understand that he got busted for writing a check for some services provide by a prostitute earlier when he was a council member and he still was voted for mayor. Oh well, I guess he isn't a hypocrite if you want to have a trashy show you have to be a trashy guy but those stupid bits of advice at the end of his show is when I start looking for something else more interesting to watch.  

Hot Mommas!

I volunteer at our local free clinic. I am not really qualified to deal with the public so they keep me in the back doing inventory and counting pills. I get to hang out with the pharmacy staff and shoot the breeze. Their day switches from hectic to mundane with no middle ground. I think that the staff there is wonderful and they work very hard to provide great service, it's unfortunate that the staff isn't appreciated more. There is always some person screaming about they didn't get their pills or that they called 5 minutes ago and why isn't their prescription ready...stuff like that. Today, I was waiting to be let into the pharmacy and I noticed that three fourths of the waiting room was full of pregnant women. I am talking about ready to pop pregnant women, 8 months or more. I know that isn't really unusual but every pregnant woman in there was dressed like they were going to go clubbing. I saw this one pregnant women wearing an apron top that was more of a bikini top that had a curtain of fabric in the front that didn't even cover her belly. Another woman was wearing such a low cut blouse that I, being a heterosexual woman, was mesmerized by her huge breasts. I know it's creepy but I think she was using some double sided tape because everyone in that waiting room was holding their breaths every time she bent over. Nothing spilled out and she avoided a Tara Reid like situation at the free clinic. Alls I am saying is that I don't dress that provocative and I am not even pregnant yet. I will never be able to compete with these women. Though it makes me wonder if this is what they are wearing after they got pregnant, what were they wearing when they did get pregnant? My vote was some duct tape and some floss.

Fun with Genetics!

Hey! Sorry that I have been slacking on the posts but I recently started a summer class to kill some time. I realized that after graduation that I had a lot of free time and I ain't no housewife. For reals, I try real hard to keep busy and avoid cooking, cleaning and any other household stuff. I mean I clean up, I don't live in filth but let's just say that if my cleaning got a grade it would be a D for the minimal job and lots of bitching I did. I am taking a Psychology class, Human Growth and Development. So far the teacher seems pleasant and the class seems talkative and opinionated. Today was an interesting topic. We were learning about procedures that initially helped childless couples or couples with severe genetic diseases have healthy children that are now being used to produce "designer" babies. "Designer" babies have the traits that the parents desire in their children...like eye color, sex or height, stuff like that. Personally, I have no problem with it maybe because this is America and we are a capitalist nation and if you have tens of thousands of dollars to produce the next living Barbie doll while she is still an egg go for it but buyer beware. Even though you found a nuclear scientist supermodel who can donate eggs to you and mix with some sperm from a Calvin Klein underwear model Nobel Prize winner there are about 64 trillion possible combinations of those genes. Meaning that you can get the most beautiful, smartest child alive or a pile of mud that grunts at you. That's the fun with genetics that whole crossing over of chromosomes is a bitch. What about cloning, you say? Well, in essence if you clone yourself, it's like your identical twin but the environment within the womb and during child development also mold the child but genetics is a strong force. Chances are that the child would be just like you at that any age. This goes to that whole nature vs. nuture argument. Which molds a child more it's genome or the whole emotional and physical care that was provided? I believe your genetics has a heavier hand in who you are, more than nuturing. An example is that twin baby boy who lost his penis in a circumcision accident. The theory back then was that who you are was nutured/programmed by the parents. The baby was nipped and tuck and made into a girl and was brought up to be a girl. Later on in life when the girl was told that he was genetically and anatomically born male not only was he pissed for being forced in the female gender role but changed his gender identity back to a man and later married. I totally forget the name of this case but it's pretty famous. I am just being lazy but I can find out if you really want me to. Anyways, your body is programmed a certain way by your genes and no amount of nuturing could change it. This poor kid went through years of hell because he felt he was a boy and everyone kept telling him he was a girl like that would help stop the alarm bells going off in his head telling him that something was wrong. Overall, I have nothing against any of these procedures but I am against lying to your kids. Let them make their own decisions. Some people argue against cloning because they say clones won't have souls. Well, I believe that this is a stupid argument because if this line of reasoning were true then any persons developed from a monozygotic egg would not have a soul since the essentially they are clones of each other. Telling twins, triples, etc. that they have no soul will just piss them off. They'll look at you stupidly and then tell you to stop being a jackass. As a twin myself, I really hate being asked stupid twin questions because it makes me seriously want to buy a stun gun and watch them twitch when I shock them for asking...aversion therapy works, try it some time. I believe that all these procedures that are so scandalous are being used to help childless couples have children, all they want is to have a baby and I can't judge them for that. 

Big Kitty loves her daddy's shoes! They smell mighty good!

Oh yeah! Here is Big Kitty savoring the flavor of her daddy's shoes. I just want to say that cats have wierd turn ons. Big K's turn ons are stinky shoes (mostly Grant's but I busted her once on mine, the horror!), armpits and Clorox. Clorox?!, I know what the hell! I found out about her Clorox fetish when I mopped the floor with bleach for that deep down clean. She immediately tried to get in the kitchen but I made sure that she didn't get her paws on the wet floor so she satisfied her self by flopping on the carpet next to the kitchen and having a cat orgasm on the floor. You know what I mean, when the kitty rolls on their backs with their limbs all stretched out. Her eyes were dilated and when you tried to pet her she would nip you and run off. Okay it's freaky when my cat gets off on cleaner but when she starts flirting with me...that's just sick. If ya'll don't know who I am talking about this is my cat, Big Kitty. Her M.O. is stealing seats, keeping the couch warm and biting anyone who gets to close. She is never flirty or inviting but I think she's purrfect!  

Videoke at the Alamo Drafthouse!

Last night, I dragged my husband and my best friend, Jerry, to check out Videoke at the Alamo Drafthouse Village. For all those who have no idea what the hell Videoke is it's when a person acts out a scene in a movie. The sound is off so the person has to not only act out the scene but make sound effects for it. The scenes have subtitles so you can read the lines because if you're like me I don't remember my name most days let alone dialogue to scenes. I went so I can get up on stage and do a scene from South Park but I lost my nerve and just drank beer and mocked the others who did have the courage to go on stage. I also want to say that everyone was so nice there. The crowd was like one big family and it was wierd because they knew immediately that we were newbies but they were supportive and very cool. That's what I love about Austin, where ever you hang out in this town you will meet new and interesting people that are great for conversation and good times. GOD, I LOVE THIS TOWN!