Content in a relationship? Welcome the Happy Fat!

I've been with my husband 10 years and I gained twenty pounds since that first day I met him. What the hell happened? I was struck with the Happy Fat phenomenon and the pounds have slowly been adding on these past couple of years. I call it Happy Fat because it always seems to strike when you are happy and content in a relationship. My single, svelte girlfriends laugh at me when I complain about it but seriously where did all this weight come from? I am not too upset because I have these soft curves and some boobs now. I know I've got boobs! It feels really good to fill out a bra and not have to wear those pushy padded ones that made me feel better because I could squeeze some cleavage together. So, I guess happy fat has it's bonuses but I would still like to have a killer bod before I start to have kids. I noticed that I was always skinnier when I was single and I am sure that I could have been especially scrawny after a big break up but that never happened because I was always the evil bitch who broke it off first. The only weight I lost was the 150+ pounds of loser that I ditched. Ah, memories. Now, one of my current problems is that I love to eat out with my husband. You now that whole dinner and date thing. Hey, we can't help it. We don't see each other except on the weekends so we pack food and fun in that time. Also, I am not a good cook and anything that keeps me out of the kitchen is always a bonus to me. Lately, I have tried to eat "healthier" but I still haven't lost any weight, in fact, I gained 3 pounds. WTF?!? I stopped eating out except for the weekend date nights and I still gain weight. My husband loves it when I cook. Maybe he loves the idea of his woman slaving over a hot stove because my food is not that good. I hate exercise that has no point. So working out in a gym is torture but I do love dancing, aerobics and martial arts. Which is funny because my husband is not into any of that stuff he'd rather go biking or swimming. That's sad because I don't know how to swim and I haven't owned a bike in 15 years. So the only exercise that we do together is the love making or as it's also called the horizontal mambo. Now that's my kind of exercise and I guess you can say that I do dance with my husband regularly. I asked my husband to help me out in my new exercise program, you know I need to "work out" more, and he vigorously agreed and started taking his clothes off. You gotta love a man with that kind of dedication to making me happy and healthy.

P.S. I want to thank Autumn for inspiring my blog. Check out her website September's Girl, it's always a hoot!

I think I pissed off a telemarketer

Today after waking up and sipping on some caffeine for a while the phone rang. Now normally I would just let the answering machine pick it up but today I felt saucy and answered it. I guessed that it was my sister who I just emailed 5 minutes before, well, I was wrong. It was a telemarketer trying to get me to go to some travel agency and do a survey. Now, I am a wuss when it comes to trying to tell them no. I never tell them yes but I am polite and listen to their sell and then say no. Well, she was working me hard. I tried to tell her that I had a full schedule and I just wasn't interested. She started talking again and 5 minutes later when she took a breath, I told her again that I wasn't interested. Finally, she got the message and hung up on me. I was trying to be nice but I think I kind of pissed her off. It's not my fault that I was raised with manners. I just need to get a backbone and as soon as I know that they are a telemarketer just hang up on their ass. 

Austin Allergies Suck!

These last couple of days I have been in a funk. I thought it was a mild depression that was making me go comatose and sleep for hours. I slept so much that my husband came in occasionally and poked me with a stick to see if I was still alive. If you know me you don't mess with me in my sleep so if I wake up like an angry bear, I am fine. Well, I wasn't depressed, I was suffering from allergies. I did some allergy testing a couple of years back and I found out that I was allergic to everything that blooms in Austin especially mold. So the mold count here is insanely high and I am in misery. My eyes looked like somebody popped me and I just have a general malaise. My cats are trying to cheer me up. They cuddle with me in my sleep but I am also allergic to cats so waking up to 4 cats in your bed and one has stolen your pillow is not as comforting as it should be but I love them. My cats steal the covers and stuff their fur in my nose but I will never kick them out of bed, I mean, my husband steals the sheets and is furry, too, and you don't see me kicking him out of bed. So, over all I am getting lots of love since I am feeling like crap but tomorrow school starts and I am glad that I will be busy because nothing annoys me more than allergies is being bored.

The worst thing I have ever done, sort of?!?!

Last semester I had an early morning class around 8 in the morning. After studying late the night before, I woke and I was feeling nauseous. Sometimes that happens when I take birth control pills or if I ate something that didn't agree with me the night before. Well, that morning I was going to puke, it was just a matter of time, I just didn't know when. It was close to the end of the semester and I already used up all my sick days to sleep in. So, I went to school on the bus which was horrible. Every time I hit a bump I thought I was going to lose it. I arrived at school and went to a bathroom but I couldn't puke yet. I went to class. After 30 minutes, I just felt too bad and I left class early and went to go find a toilet. I went to a bathroom in a building that was quieter than most on campus and since it was in between classes, no one should hear me emptying my stomach out. I went into that bathroom, opened the door to the first stall and saw the most nastiest ass explosion that some had left earlier without flushing the damn toilet. That did it for me, I was cured of my inability to puke. In fact, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop me from spewing all over the place. I sort of made it to the next stall's toilet. I puked on the seat but I got most of it in the toilet. After, vomiting my guts out, I wiped down the seat. I got up to try and clean myself up and to find something to clean the toilet seat. I went to the sink and started washing my face when some one walked in. It didn't hit me till she had walked into a stall and slammed the door shut which toilet she was using because the first stall had poo she naturally used the second one. The toilet which I just vomited all over. I got so grossed out that I ran to the third stall and emptied my guts, again. That poor girl, not only did she used a freshly vomited on toilet seat but I was freaking her out by up chucking my intestines. She ran out of there and I weakly went and cleaned up again and went back home. Moral of the story, don't go to school or work if you are feeling like shit and always carry around hand sanitizer to sanitize your hands and toilet seats.

Car Future, Past and Present

Around this time last year my car was broken into. That morning, I was running a little late and when I got to my car the window was off its track. I immediately felt scared, violated and really, really angry. I opened the door and noticed that all of my little compartments were open. I looked around and all I could tell was that they stole change out of my ashtray. Nothing else was missing. FYI, I live like a homeless person in my car meaning that there is all kinds of trash from eating out and junk laying about. I don't even have a real radio to steal, it plays tape cassettes! Anyways, I was upset with the prospect of having a broken window in addition to having my car violated by a stranger. I hysterically woke up my husband and he calmly walked over to the window and popped it back on it's track. I went to work and called the cops and they told me that they would send some one. A couple of hours later a cop rolls up. I go out and meet him, tell him the story and wait for his response. He looks at my car which has a nice coating of dirt and tells me that he could try to check for prints but that it would probably be a lost cause because my car was filthy. I told him to print the car because I want this guy or girl to be caught. I don't pay my taxes to let some guy steal $1.50 in change and get away with it, the stupid idiot could have asked me for it, I would have given it to him/her. So, he takes prints from my car and that was the last of that...they never caught the person.

I still have my car and it's on its last leg but I have good news! No, I didn't save a lot by switching to Geico but my husband and I received a new car, well not a "new" car more like used car, this past weekend. Yeah, it's totally sweet and I feel like a pimp driving around in a Lexus. I know a Lexus! I love my in-laws and they give the best presents. I just love the fact that it has air conditioning! My last 3 cars didn't have air conditioning, so I am on cloud nine. Plus if anyone even thinks of breaking into this car it will set off alarm and the engine kill switch. I want to see if I can change the alarm to say, "Dance mother fucker, dance!" while simulated gunfire goes off in the background and maybe if I can put on a dashboard camera to film it, too, that would be totally sweet. This car maybe the push I needed to get a part time job, yeah, as a pimp since I got a bitching new ride. Yep, now I just need some man whores and he-bitches to go out and make me some money...I am now accepting applications. 

The New Guy!

What is with me? I can attract any stray cat within a 2 mile radius. I found this cute guy on my patio tonight. He was pretty wild and since I didn't have my cat trap, I caught him in my cat carrier. It looks pretty cruel locking him up in a dog crate but I am keeping him there till I can get him checked out by the vet. I have 4 other cats to think of. I fostered kittens for years before I gave it up. It's an expensive and thankless task that I enjoyed but my cats were starting to eat better than I was. It's been two years since I fostered a kitten and I am hoping I still have some contacts at our local Humane Society to get him adopted in the next two weeks. I could keep him but then I would be entering the realm of creepy cat lady and he is too friendly for me to keep. I only keep the cats that are really wild or have some serious issues. I am still thinking of a name for this cute guy. Hmm....how about Billy? 

Some habits just die hard!

Okay, I know I have been talking way too much about my man lately so I am going to interject with a cute cat photo. This is my Ana, the little brown cat nursing, who inspired the name of my blog, Kitty Titty. She is molesting one of my male cats, Munchkin. She is now over a year old and I thought she was over trying to nurse from Munchkin but this morning I walked in the living room and saw this. I took this cute picture before he started to bite her to get her to stop. You can actually hear her sucking from across the room. It's too cute! Enjoy! 

Me, the Muffins and the Marriage that Almost didn't Happen!

Today, while digging around in my pantry, I found this old bag of blueberry muffin mix. I told me husband if he would like some muffins tomorrow morning. He said "Sure, why not?" Then he got really quiet and told me that 5 years ago when we were having serious problems in our relationship he bought that muffin mix to cook and try to cheer me up. He knows that I have an unnatural desire for blueberry muffins. I told him I remembered. About five years ago, we were facing a crisis in our relationship. I am almost embarrassed to say it now but our crisis was perpetrated by me. I was terribly unhappy and I had such low self worth. The first thing I did was try to make my then boyfriend, now husband, feel equally miserable and small. I don't know why I did this to the one person I loved most in the world. We almost broke up. We divided the possessions, the cats, and figured who would have to move out. The only thing that saved our relationship was couples therapy which I initially resisted at first. I had written off our relationship and I was looking for the nearest door. The therapist helped me get to the root of my problem. I was unhappy with my life and I was taking it out on my husband and my husband, who was desperate to save our relationship, took the abuse. Our therapist told me that happiness comes from within and if you don't like something, change it. She also taught my husband to deal with my anger and fight back. I didn't like the fact at first, that he would argue back to me but now it's pretty cool. I like it better when I don't get my way all the time. So, I quit my job and went to work with animals, full time. I then realized that I liked helping pets and people that I would try to be a nurse and finish my degree in Anthropology. I quit that job, which I still love and work at occasionally, and went back to school. So, I just graduated and I now I am trying to become a nurse and enjoying the fact that I have a husband who loves me and supports me and encourages me to follow my dreams and be happy. Anyways, I still love blueberry muffins and I am cooking that bag, so wish me luck that I don't poison us both. I feel that we need to exorcise the evil blueberry memories and make new ones, some new buttery memories. 

Men's infidelity, is it biological or bogus?

I was watching some late night TV show, I think it was Jay Leno, and one of the guests was Bill Maher. Now, I admit I was distracted by writing a paper but I was listening to their conversation. I believe that Mr. Maher just broke with his long time partner, a woman called Coco Johnsen. I think she is suing him for breach of contract or something because he promised to take care of her. I don't know if that lawsuit has been settled yet but he seemed very cynical about love. He told the audience that men could not be sexually monogamous to one woman. He did back track a little and say that married men should be monogamous but that it was asking too much of a man to dedicate all of his sexual time and energy to one woman. This got me thinking. Is it biology that makes a man stray or is it lack of self control and they are blaming biology? My opinion? I think that a man blaming biology for not keeping his pants zipped sounds very bogus but I think that if he likes it that way and if he finds women who can share, why not? Who am I to judge. I, personally, don't like sharing and thankfully neither does my husband. What do you think? Lack of self control or the need to breed?

What my husband did to shut me up!

Everyone has annoying stories that you keep telling over and over again everytime you are with friends and family, right? Well, one of my stories is about one of my favorite treats on the planet, Jell-O Pudding Pops. When I was a kid those pudding pops were ambrosia to me. Then one day they stopped making them. I hadn't tasted one in about 10 years. My husband always heard about this story over and over again and how they were awesome and I would just love to taste one again someday. He is a techie nerd and found out on the internet that they were making and selling those sweet Jell-O Pudding Pops. He tells me this and we are in the car in 0.2 seconds searching every store looking for them. Our first trip ended in defeat because every store we went to was sold out. Our second trip, we hit pay dirt. I tell you guys, my eyes teared up. I know it's freaking ice cream but that was one of the best memories of my childhood right there in my hands. I jumped for joy and gave him the biggest kiss ever with the promise of wild animal sex for getting me and my first love back together. After eating about 6 pops I was feeling very satisfied and queasy. He smiled at me and wondered at my ability to cram 6 ice cream pops in my mouth in less than 10 minutes and said, "Finally, I will never ever have to hear the story about those damn Jell-O Pudding Pops!" Now, I will have to just bore people with the story of what an awesome husband I have. 

Zipper Karma!

My husband has this thing when he is sometimes in public, he forgets to zip up his fly. Never on purpose because that peep show is for me. When he discovers that his fly is down he always asks me, "Why didn't you tell me zipper was down!" Like I have some kind of Spidey sense that tingles when his crotch is exposed to the elements and eyeballs. I always shrugged and ask, "Is it my job to be the pants police and make sure your fly is zipped?" His response..."Hell Yeah!" That's the thing about marriage I didn't expect. Signing up to inspect zippers before leaving the house. I betcha it's in really small print somewhere on my marriage license saying, "To protect others from temporary blindness, please make sure your husband's fly is zipped. Thank You!" I never understood what the big concern was but when he told me that he wears boxers, the kind that aren't closed by a button, I could see his concern. A well timed bend at the waist could set his family jewels a'glinting in the sun for all to see. I was sympathetic but unfazed because most of those open fly incidents seem to be perpetrated by men and since I was a woman my chances were low of embarrassing myself. Well, I was wrong. I was walking around the grocery store, shopping, when I realized that it was really nice and breezy down there. A little too breezy. I look down and gasped in horror. My fly was unzipped and my hot pink panties were a beacon for all to see, screaming "LOOK AT ME, I'M PINK AND LACY." It didn't help that I was wearing black. My faced turned really red and I confronted my husband who had a smirk on his face after watching me completely wig. I asked, "Why didn't you tell me my fly was open?" He patted my back sympathetically and said "Welcome to my world." So, I learned my lesson that leaving your pants unzipped can happen anywhere, anytime and to anyone. Also, to watch out for karma because it has a bad habit of getting even with you.

Here is a little secret about me....

I was a virgin when I met my husband. If you must know the truth I didn't expect it to happen that way. Believe me it's not that I had incredibly high standards or anything. I just found it impossibly hard to sleep with any of the guys I dated. They were either too stupid, drunk, or harassing about sex. All of these kill a woman's desire to lose their virginity. Later when I met my husband, I wasn't thinking of sex, just what a great person he was. But after a month of dating...I jumped his bones. Yep, it was totally me. He totally didn't expect it and he was very nervous. Overall, the first experience wasn't all that great but whose first experience is fantastic? After much practice, we are now pros in the sack and very inventive. Over the years as our love grew so did our sex. Love is the best kind of aphrodisiac and I do experience a spiritual connection like I am a part of my husband when we are having sex. The best sex I ever had was when we got married, that is definitely in the top 5 of my Best Sex Ever List. I don't feel sad or lacking because I never got to sow my wild oats. I am just lucky that I found my soulmate on my first try. It kind of sucks though. When we decide to have kids I am going to have to explain to them that I have only been with their father. They may think that I am either lying or uncool but I can live with being uncool.

Forget about finding a good man, how about finding a good mechanic!

I just spent the whole day waiting for my car to get out of the shop. I was told today that my car had a limited lifespan and that the kindest thing to do was to take a shotgun and put it out of it's misery. Also, the auto repair shop is having some kind of family feud. Grandma sold shop to someone else and father and son quit leaving the new owner, a pharmacist, to run the shop. Not a good idea if you have to talk about cars, it's okay if you want learn about your prescription. It blows because they were the most honest mechanics I've ever worked with. They didn't treat me like an idiot or moron when I tried to describe a weird noise coming from the engine and the never tried to rip me off that I know of. This sucks! I have spent more time looking for a good mechanic then I have looking for a doctor. Oh well, I guess I have to start looking soon since I don't much time left on my car. I am just glad it's Friday and if anyone else plans on giving me bad news today I will cut them! I need some time to mourn and get stinking drunk.

All You Need Is Love...Everybody!

I see homeless people around campus and street corners most days. Sometimes they have pets. I see most of the homeless with dogs but I saw a young man who had a cat lying across his shoulders while he was walking. I was amazed that he got the cat to stay there and not claw the shit out of him. Anyways, I always felt bad for those poor animals. Not receiving consistent, if any, animal care and being hungry like their owners. I was stuck up on my high horse and was looking down on these people. I truly believed that they didn't deserve to own pets. Then I started working for a vet clinic. Now that is a real eye opener. I saw all kinds of things that would disturb any individual. Pets mauled to shreds, shot at, hit by cars and other depressing stuff. A side effect of this job is that you lose some of your empathy. You kind of need to develop a thick skin to survive through the tough moments and enjoy the good times when you have them. One day a homeless man came in to get this puppy he found some shots. He knew that the dog needed shots but he didn't know what kind but he panhandle and saved 15 dollars hoping that it was enough. He fell in love with this pup and he wanted to keep it from getting sick. Our boss was cool and we were impressed that he wanted to do the right thing by vaccinating his pet that we gave him the red carpet treatment. We counseled him about his pet and gave his puppy a full exam and all it's shots. Our staff hooked him up with some heartworm medication and some puppy food to last him a bit. We begged him to come back and finish the series of puppy shots but he said that he was only passing through Austin but that he would try to find a vet in the town where he was going to. He was appreciative and we hoped that we would see him again. That was the last time we ever saw or heard of him and his puppy. I am not worried. He was competent and most importantly, he cared about his pet. There are some people out there that could financially take care of 10 pets but that I wouldn't even give them a houseplant to take care of. While that homeless man will love and care for his pet to the best of his ability. Talk about kicking me off my high horse. It's nice to be humbled sometimes and reminded to stop being so judgmental. I'd rather be that small chihuahua loved by 6 small children destined for heart failure because of lack of heartworm prevention then the dog that is immaculately taken care of but kept in the backyard everyday of it's life by itself. The difference is that the chihuahua is loved and the other is a possession or status symbol. I know love isn't a fix it for all things but let me tell you it helps and makes everything seem easier. 

Consider this a hint to never ever call me again! NSFW due to large amount of cuss words, dammit!

I just need to vent, so this is just a open letter of my thoughts and if the person whom this letter is about figures out who I am talking about then I will personally give him a fucking lollipop.

Hey, buddy. I finally figured out why I couldn't remember you from high school. You were a totally forgettable person. Yep, I'm not lying. Not only did you not make an impression on me but I tried my damnedest to forget about you because you were such a fucking idiot. It was a coincidence that I bumped into you at that restaurant, one that I wish I could take back. I am not sorry I couldn't remember your name but I am sorry that I gave you my phone number. I couldn't remember why I had such a bad feeling about you and when I called my sister up she told me why. You get obsessive with girls. You call them up and harass them. To my knowledge you have not done any serious harm but I remember that one time in high school when you hit my arm so hard that I had a bruise for a week. Thanks a lot for the memories, jackass. I didn't know you were trying to ask me out, I was to busy thinking of what a bastard you were. My advice to you, don't call me anymore. How many times do you need to call me in a row and hang up. Do you think that I bought that answering machine for it's looks? No you moron, at the tone leave your fucking name and number. Don't call me to make plans because I won't call you back and stop asking me out, my husband doesn't appreciate it. Remember him, I introduced you two at the restaurant? He gets annoyed when other men try to take his wife out on a date. If you value your balls, you will keep your hands to yourself and stop calling me. I kick like a mule and I will aim for your dangley bits plus I have some pepper spray, beeyotch. Thanks for completely creeping me out and ruining my tendency to be kind and friendly. Try to have a good life and fuck off, asshole.